Bill Remembers Elvis

My plan to make my box of cigars I got for Christmas last all year is not going to work out. I’ve already smoked six of them. We are only two weeks into the year and 1/3 of the cigars are gone. I can’t help myself, they are so good. 

This week is Elvis’ Birthday, he would have been 84. He was a cigar man you know. Last year, or maybe it was the year before that, Phil called Graceland because someone put on the internet a picture of Elvis smoking a pipe. Phil wanted to find out what kind of pipe tobacco he smoked. They did a little research there and said that was just something he had done once or twice and that he preferred cigars and smoked them often. I knew I liked that guy. Phil didn’t find out what kind of cigars Elvis liked, but I’m sure someone out there knows. 

The King & his stogie

I wonder if Pricilla ever yelled at Elvis to take his stogie outside? Doubt it. You wouldn’t see Elvis sitting outside in the cold on a lawn chair because he wasn’t “allowed” to smoke inside. No sir, Elvis was an alpha male, he smoked his cigars where ever he pleased. I’d bet he wouldn’t think twice about lighting up a cigar right in the Oval Office when he was having a meeting with Nixon. Even R.N. knew who was the boss when the King stopped by.

What do you have nowadays? Little twerps who get a lot of people to follow them on the internet becoming famous. They wouldn’t be fit to shine Elvis’ shoes. Even that muscle man Arnold, when he became governor of California set up a tent outside to smoke his cigars. Wimp. A real man would have lit up in his office if he wanted and said “what are you going to do, take me to jail?” It would never happen now, people, especially men are too scared. Plus half of them go in for that [expletive deleted].

I’m not an advocate of going around blowing smoke in people’s faces, but I’m getting a little sick of people confusing what I can’t do with what they don’t want me to do. More and more I’m just doing whatever I want and defy people to stop me. 90% of them are spineless wimps anyway. All they do is call me names and threaten me, mostly behind my back. The other 10% might take it further but what’s the worst that can happen, some cop shows up and tells me to put out my cigar? Hell, I’ll put it out and give him one just because you know he’s thinking some jerk is wasting his time by calling the cops on an old man smoking a stogie. At least the cop will get a cigar out the deal. 

You should see the looks I get when I’m smoking a cigar in my car when I’m waiting at the Dr. Office for my wife to come out of an appointment. The hate these people have, there must be something wrong with them. I’m just sitting in my own car doing a crossword puzzle minding my own business. They act like I’m killing them. I don’t care anymore, they can’t tell me what to do so I’m not going to let it bother me. Plus when I get the stink-eye it just makes me want to get an even smellier cigar. The more people tell me I can’t do something the more I want to do it. 

From now on I going to ask myself what would Elvis do? Elvis wouldn’t let some self righteous jerk tell them what to do and neither will I, and if there is some stupid show playing on the TV that I don’t like, well, I’ll just shoot it. 


Bill is the acting Briar Report Chief of Staff.

he is also the Managing Editor of

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