If anyone follows the news you know that politicians save the bad news for Friday afternoons. I think they call it a news dump.
They get all the rotten stuff out there just before people are starting their weekend. I guess the theory is that people have other things on their minds and won’t pay attention. Also, by the time Monday rolls around it will all have been forgotten about.
I just realized last week that my column comes out on Friday afternoons. What the [expletive deleted] is that about? Except for the articles, the news and the YouTube stuff, my column is the most read item on this site.
You wouldn’t think I’d have been so welcome being a cigar guy and all, at least I didn’t. But overall people seem to read the column despite the fact it comes out on Friday and it’ all the way down at the bottom where the unsubscribe button usually goes.
Do you want to know why I enjoy smoking cigars and pipes so much? It’s because of my rule. I actually have a lot of rules but nobody pays much attention to them and they usually end up coming back and biting me in the [expletive deleted].
Like for instance my rule about not serving me a dinner unless it’s hot. I hate my dinner cold. It’s like eating leftovers the first time. Next thing you know everything that should be cold is hot and everything that should be hot is burnt.
The rule I was referring to before is the one that says “don’t bother me when I’m smoking”. It’s the one rule I put my foot down on. Every one knows to leave me alone when I have a stogie going. It’s turns out to be the only bit of peace and quiet I get. I’ll light a pipe and pretend I’m in a slow Smoke Competition. Just trying to keep it going for as long as I can.
You would think that when you got to be a certain age you could take it easy. Not have to worry about as much stuff. I hate to tell you, that’s not the case at all. It never ends. The aggravation I mean. It’s always something. Every time I turn around somebody has a problem for me to solve. I have two big problems with this.
The first is that what people are doing is trying to make their problem my problem. Can’t anyone ever solve things on their own? The second problem, and what it always boils down to, is – every thing costs me money! As soon as I hear my name called out in that “something is broken voice” I know I’m going to have to fork over the cash. I dread it more than anything.
The microwave stopped working, I have to go get a fuse because I’m out. The Dryer is making a funny noise, that stupid thing is on it’s last leg and I don’t want to have to deal with getting a new one. The light in the ceiling is buzzing, I don’t even know what that is about. Do I have to change the bulb? I just did last month. Or is the fixture going bad? How the [expletive deleted] do I know? I don’t know anything about electricity. All I know is that one way or another it’s going to cost me.
One side note here. Before it’s all over with that light I’m going to get shocked. I’ve been shocked so many times it isn’t funny. If I ever get into some serious trouble and the cops are yelling at me, telling me I’m going to get tased, I’ll just laugh at them. I’m so used to it that their stupid taser isn’t going to stop me. They’re going to have to do a lot better than that. I wouldn’t worry unless it’s to the point of K-9 or above.
The sump pump, the living room heater, all busted in the last two months. Not to mention the roof needs to be replaced and the driveway looks like it’s left over from the San Francisco earth quake.
Those are the big ticket items so I don’t even want to think about them. But the longer I wait the worse it will get.
I need a smoke. La Gloria Cubana Charlemagne, that will buy me some time. The rule is no one is allowed to bother me and that includes myself. I can’t be thinking about that buzzing light even though it’s right over my head. Buzzing. It’s hard.
Maybe I’ll get some Peace when I die. I’ll bet the Dryers in heaven are never shaking around making a terrible noise. Then again, what if I end up somewhere else? In that place the Dryers are probably always broke and I’m pretty sure I won’t be allowed to take a smoke break. I don’t even want to think about it.
No matter what I think about appliances in the afterlife it doesn’t help out one bit with the problems I have in this life.
When you’ve dealt with this as long as I have you get conditioned to it. Sort of like Parvo’s Dog*. Just sitting down and packing the pipe or cutting the cigar instantly relaxes me. I know that for that brief moment in time people are going to leave me alone. I wish I could make it last forever. I want to get a pipe with a bowl as big as a soup pot. Put five or six pounds of tobacco in there and sit back. Throw a little Judge Judy up on the boob-tube and sit back. Puffing away watching her tear into some dumb [expletive deleted] who wrecked his Baby-Momma’s car and won’t pay for it. should have fixed it when you had the chance, chump. Now you’re going to pay anyway, plus millions of people are going to see what a loser you are.
Could you even smoke six pounds of tobacco at one time, even if it took you nine days to do it? Probably give you some kind of Cavendish poisoning.
It doesn’t matter. Sooner or later the smoke is going to end and it’s back to the real world. The world where people can’t even change a light bulb on their own and the brand new fuse I just put in the microwave blows.
Screw it, who really needs a microwave anyway? I’m headed to the Cigar Store.
Bill is the acting Briar Report Chief of Staff,
he is also the Managing Editor of www.stogiereport.com
He can be reached at email@example.com
Follow him on Twitter @StogieReport
*Editor’s note: I left it in. I can’t fix every single thing he says.