Bill Hates Frauds

I’ve never been exposed to so many different kinds of cigars and pipe tobacco as I have since we started to do the Briar Report. It’s not even because we get together a lot more now. It’s for a lot of reasons.

From so many places people are recommending things for us to try. Even though we are not going to review it, the closest being a mention in my column or maybe one of us talks about it on Twitter.

People love to review things, and I’m sure a lot of them are hoping for some freebies to come their way. I don’t blame them. I certainly like my share of free stuff. But the policy here is not to take anything without paying for it. Not my policy, mind you, but one we all follow.

The thinking is that nothing is going to influence or even give the appearance of influencing what we publish. The reason I don’t think it should apply to me is because I’m going to tell you that way it is no matter if it was free or not.

Bill Might Be Right About One Thing

I think the biggest reason is because they don’t want me to scare off any potential advertisers. In the past I’ve said some negative things that have been edited out. I get it. To be fair, it’s usually when I stick in a good jab on something or someone. A “cheap shot” is what they call it. I call it a stinger and they are always true so I’m not so sure I like them coming out.

Only once did I argue about keeping something in. It was about a reviewer. A real [expletive deleted]. I’ll have to be careful or this will end up being cut out too. It’s not like there were any worries about ticking off anyone who might advertise, I just wanted to call out a fraud.

There are so many people doing reviews you would think half the people in the world consider themselves critics. I know, I know, I write “Critic’s Corner” but that’s mostly a joke, a play on words. I’m not holding myself out to be an expert in anything. But I’ll tell you, if I wanted to I’d be great at it. I know more about some of this stuff than most “experts”, plus I’m honest and not a blowhard.

Mostly Your Average Honest Joe

Most people doing reviews are not authorities on the subject, but they are honest about it. They are just wanting to put their opinions out there for what they are worth. I really enjoy reading, or watching, those type of reviews. They come across as just a regular person giving us his two cents on something. It’s actually quite valuable. I could give you a list of some but then I’d leave someone off the list and feel bad.

I also don’t mind when someone is working real hard trying to break into a crowded field and they want to be more than just another guy with another opinion. They are looking to become that expert that people seek their opinions. I get that.

Weak Punks with Big Mouths

When someone acts like they are at the top of the food chain but are really a no-talent hack, that’s when I want to call them out. Don’t get me wrong, my language can be quite blue, and I’m admonished all the time, but who goes on TV [YouTube] and F’s every other word? You have to be a real mush brain for that. Oh, it makes you sound like a tough guy? Um, no it doesn’t. Nobody was impressed with your Sophomore reviews except your mother and now even she’s embarrassed for you.

I’m not naming names or else this whole section will be cut out like last time. And don’t ask me to tell you who I’m talking about. If you think I may be talking about you, it may be true, especially if you’re angry right now. People who are phonies know it deep down and hate you for pointing it out. Even if on the outside they want you to think they are tough and mainly, but they know. What gives them away is that they have to try way too hard. Real guys just have it and come across natural. Betas have to amp it way up.

I’m glad I got that off my chest. You still don’t know what I’m talking about but it makes me feel better.

This Week’s Saturday Staff Meeting

I’ve been told that we have a big staff meeting this week. I’m being lured there with a box of La Gloria Cubana Series R. In the Gordo size, the big 7.0″ x 58. Man, I can’t wait. I’m pretty sure he got the ones with the Colorado shade, which I’m glad. I do like the Maduro, but they are already strong enough and this weather is just perfect for the Colorado wrapper.

There is either some big news or something big is going down. Why would he spring almost $200 for a box of those? I didn’t do anything to earn such a nice cigar. Plus I was told what cigar to expect, that means they want to make sure I show up. Now they got me wondering what might be up. I hope it’s good news. Probably not. It’s usually something I don’t like. No matter, I’ll take my free cigar, or three, and listen to what they got to say.

Bill’s Big Mouth

If it’s something good maybe I’ll let you know about it. The problem is when ever they tell me something good, they start off looking at me and telling me to keep my mouth shut. We’ll have to wait and see.

If you’ve never had the series R, I highly recommend you go out and get yourself one. They are fantastic and a big treat. That’s no joke, it’s one of the best cigars I’ve ever had. Not a daily smoker unless your last name is Rockefeller but they’re not so expensive that you can’t have one every once in awhile.

Hope you all have a great week and if I offended you, don’t worry, I’m probably not talking about you anyway.


Bill is the acting Briar Report Chief of Staff,

he is also the Managing Editor of

To reach Bill, send email to

Follow him on Twitter @StogieReport