Bill Gives Some Helpful Tips

Hello to everyone. I wanted to start off saying how hot it’s been lately and how much I can’t stand the heat. Warm is fine, but hot is stupid. I’m not a Global Warming nutcase, I know it’s hot because it’s summer. In my younger days we would go down to the lake and take a dip. In fact, we would spend half the day in the lake.

Now that I’m old, getting down the rocks is a problem. I might get down but I’m not so sure about getting back up. Plus I’d have to drive home all wet. That’s not going to happen.

So why am I not complaining about this heat? Because that’s what old guys do. But you’re saying, “Bill, you are an old guy.” That’s true, but I have to be mindful of not falling into the old guy trap. Always talking about the terrible weather. Bitching about Social Security. Pointing out all my aches and pains. That’s the old guy trifecta. It takes everything in me not to talk about that stuff.

One thing I also have to be careful of is how old guys like to tell the same story about a hundred and eighty times. Over and over. I’m just about at that point, so I have to be on the lookout.

When you start to walk around with a lot of hair coming out of your nose and splitting an orange with your wife, it’s almost too late.

Can’t Crack Bill

Got a fair amount of mail last week trying to find out the secret I’m supposed to keep. Now, if you’re going to out bribe me, you have to be much smarter about it. Just giving me more or better cigars than I’m getting now is not even in the ballpark. You have to take into account the fact that I will never get another free cigar at the Saturday Staff Meetings if I blab. So you need to think big. Real big. They wouldn’t forgive me for at least a couple years.

It’s that big!

The other thing I got mail about. Only one letter. Was the fact that I mentioned that Porche and VW were both German and might actually be the same, at least to me.

Reader, Paul, sent me a photo of a car that sums up my thoughts exactly. I’ll have to ask them to put it in here somewhere. I don’t know how to attach pictures, so all that extra stuff you see is added after I submit my column. The links, the pictures, the intrusive edits of my language, all someone else.

The Devil

Been smoking pretty much the same stuff all week. Don, from the famous Voodoo Review, was showing off a very nice looking cigar on his website this past week. It was a Punch Diablo. That means Devil if you don’t speak Latin. This looked like a great cigar. You can’t tell from a photo, of course, but it was perfect looking.

You can read his review, skip the soccer stuff, and get right to the good part. Now for the kicker. After he baits you with the great picture, then you find out you can’t get one. What a rip off. For price he wrote “promotional”.

I’d like to know;

  1. Is it right to get someone’s hopes up, then dash them with this terrible news, way down at the bottom?
  2. Why am I not getting any promotional cigars?

Some Tips On Being A Gentleman

As long as you’re here I wanted to pass along a tip or two on being a nice guy. First, when you are the guy getting a favor, be early. The guy doing the favor should be on time, but can be a little late. The guy getting the favor has to be early. On time is too late.

So for example say a buddy says to you “hey Bill, can you pick me up at the garage, I have to drop my car off?” Change out Bill for your name. You say “fine, what time” and he says “9:00”.

OK, the guy dropping his car off should be at the garage and have his car dropped off by 9:00 that way he’s ready to go at 9:00. The guy doing the favor, me in this case, can show up anywhere from 9:00 to 9:20 without any feeling of guilt.

NOT the other way around. If you’re the guy doing the favor and have to wait until 9:20, that’s not right. I would say it’s OK to leave after that, but you have to be careful. If the person you’re doing the favor for is your wife, then you may have to wait a little longer. Or if you “owe” them a favor you have to cut some slack.

Just remember, if you are getting the favor, be early.

Tip #2

Another great tip is never lend money. It will only end in disaster. If your brother calls you up and says I need some money to bail out Mom, you probably should just give it to him. This is a hypothetical case, mind you. My mother has never needed to be bailed out, as far as I know.

Once it becomes a loan, forget about it. Your relationship will never be the same again. Either tell them you don’t have it (what I usually do) or just hand it over and tell them it’s a gift.

I hate to say it, but when it come to money, it changes a lot of people. Not for the good either.

So those are the tips. Pretty good advice, if you ask me.

I don’t have any cool insider industry news to share. Nobody sent me anything this week, so I’ve been on my own.

That’s about all I have for this week. Oh, I almost forgot. I was supposed to put in my column a reminder to sign up for our mailing list. The link is in the menu on the magazine website, the one this article is in so all you have to do is push the home button. I’ll have them put the like to it right here.

Now that’s it. It’s late and I’m tired and hot. Plus my wife just gave me half of her apple.


Bill is the acting Briar Report Chief of Staff,

he is also the Managing Editor of

To reach Bill, send email to

Follow him on Twitter @StogieReport