Bill’s Cheap Road-Raging Cigars

Tonight when you read this the Matches YouTube channel is going to be giving away a very nice pipe during his live show. If you read this in time I highly suggest you try to make it and get in on the drawing. 


As usual I was told I am not eligible to win. I don’t see why not. The drawing isn’t rigged. They are just afraid that I would win. If that happened everyone would scream foul, even though there would be none. I’ve never even met the Matches guy. I’ve seen his show and I love it. Sitting back and having a smoke. What more can you want? I think I’m going to watch that show myself. 


I’m getting very few letters to the editor. That’s fine with me. It will mean I’ll only have to do a letters to the editor column once a month instead of every other week like they told me I’d have to do. I can live with that. 

See, I’m Not The Only Guy Fishin’ For Freebies

Nondescript Generic Mug


The kinds of letters I’ve been getting are people asking me to see if I can get them free stuff. I don’t know why they would think I can, but I can’t. Wish I could but I have a hard enough time getting free things for myself. 
I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. A certain coffee mug that I’m not really allowed to talk too much about. You may remember that I took shipment of them last month. I was able to give one away and a Doctor won it. He got it last week. Since then I’ve gotten a handful of people saying “Bill, can you get me one of those mugs”?


I don’t have them any more so I couldn’t get one if I wanted. Can’t be sure if this is true but I have a feeling they asked Phil for a free mug and he said no and they are seeing if I can get them one. Sorry.

Patience Is A Virtue


If you want one you’ll be able to get one soon. There are a few big boxes of them. They will be for sale but I don’t think they will cost very much. We wanted to give some to people who advertised with us so we ordered enough that when they all sell it will pay for the mugs and shipping for all of them, including the ones for the VIPs. After that I think everything will just break even. 


If you’re wondering if I got a free mug, I did. That’s the only one though. If I break it I have to pay if I want another. If they sell out I have some great ideas for some more products, but I’m not going to tell you what they are because I don’t want anyone to steal my ideas. 

Fall Is The Best Time To Enjoy Pipes and Cigars


This past spring I wrote about how the spring was the perfect weather for smoking pipes and cigars but I was wrong. This is the perfect weather. So nice and cool out. A little bit of the summer remains but not enough to swarm you with a million bugs when you go outside. Just great.
I went down to the cigar store to see if they got in anything new. I didn’t have a good time. If you recall the last time I was in there I got myself one of those A.F. Lost City cigars. 


Now things are different for me in there. Now they are hovering over me. You may think I would enjoy the extra attention but I don’t. I liked it better when they thought I was a cheap old man. It worked out great because that’s basically what I am. Now they are pointing out and mentioning some pretty fancy, and very expensive cigars. I wish they wouldn’t do that. There’s no way I’m going to buy them and all that does is make me want them. 

Back In My Comfort Zone


To try to set things right I only bought two cigars and they were less than $2 each. Then I grabbed a big handful of the free matches. You are only supposed to take one box but I figured I wanted to make a statement.
You know, $2 cigars aren’t really bad. They were Nicaraguan seconds. At least that’s what I think they were. They didn’t have bands on them. There was one box that had loose Robustos and one box with Churchills. I went for the Robusto size. 


You might be able to tell the difference between those and a more expensive cigar but if you’re smoking them while you’re driving it’s hard, at least for me, to tell the difference. I’m referring to cigars that are $5 or less. If I was at home and it was quiet and I wasn’t distracted I would be able to tell them apart, but not when I’m driving.

A Little Road Rage Never Hurt Anyone


There’s this one spot where you stop for a red light and people coming from the road on your right are making a left, so they cross right in front of you. For some reason when you get the green they keep going. They must figure as long as the person in front of them went they are going too. Doesn’t matter if the light is red, they just keep going. Happens all the time and it drives me nuts. 


The good thing for me is a lot of times once they make that left the traffic is backed up and they have to stop. So they ran a red and prevented us from going, now they are stuck right there. Oh boy! It couldn’t be more perfect. I know it’s coming so I usually have the window down ready to go. Do I let them have it. They know what they did and they know they are completely wrong so there is nothing they can say. I just go off on a tirade and they look straight ahead and pretend they can’t hear me. I don’t hold back either. 


One time a woman got stuck right in the middle of the intersection.This was a world class moron. Running a red, blocking traffic, the whole nine yards. So I go right into my spiel. “Hey pea-brain, what’s the matter with you”? This [deleted] had the nerve to not only give me the finger but to start swearing at me. Not only that but she had a 12 or 13 year old girl in the car with her.

Probably Went A Little Too Far

I yelled at her like I’ve never yelled at anyone in my life, and I usually take it a little easy on the ladies. Told her how she has probably ruined that poor kid’s life by being such a nut case. How she was so full of rage and hate. Then I said “let me guess, single Mom, right”? Bingo! You should have seen the look on her face. And the hate directed at me. I told her if she paid more attention to the lights and what’s going on around her instead of thinking the whole world is screwing her, that little girl might have a chance. 


She runs the red light then give ME the finger. I don’t get it. 
Why am I even talking about that? Oh yeah, smoking while I’m driving. It’s hard to think about and enjoy your cigar when you have to scream at lunatics every once in awhile. It’s sort of a nasty job but I don’t mind. I’m actually doing a very good thing by yelling at jerks. People with kids in the car shouldn’t be doing it. They need to set a good example. So it’s left to guys like me to keep people honest. 


That should make up for the couple extra matches I took.

Bill


Bill is the acting Briar Report Chief of Staff,

He takes comments and answers questions at editor@briarreport.com

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