I was a little under the weather this week. There was a bunch of work to do outside and the sun was blaring down on me. I don’t do well in the hot direct sun.
Probably ended up only smoking two or three cigars all week. Not good when you’re a professional cigar critic like myself. Of course, there is an endless list of other things I could go after but cigars are, in the end, what people want me to talk about.
At least I think they do.
A cigar is a treat. Like the cherry on top of a Sundae. When everything is going great, snipping that stogie and lighting it up confirms that life is good. Same way with a pipe. What a great feeling to sit back and have a wonderful, relaxing smoke.
Don’t know about you but if I’m having a terrible day, a pipe or cigar is nice and will calm me down a little bit, but it’s not the same as when you feel good and want to take in the moment.
When I’m sick I want to be left alone more than usual, which means totally left alone. I don’t want people asking me what’s wrong, if they can do anything, what’s the matter with me. They always have a million questions. What the heck can they do for me? I’m already sick and they ain’t no doctor. What you can do is leave me alone.
Please Leave Me Alone
For some reason people don’t want to hear that. They think you are saying [expletive deleted]-off. They take it personal. I wish for once they would realize that what I really want is to be left alone and that’s it. Nothing more to it. Quiet and dark. And don’t be tying up the head in case I need to use it.
My First Give Away
OK, now for the big news. Or semi-big news. Next week my job is to send out packages to some select, inside, members of the pipe and cigar community. Big names you probably have heard of. If you are a regular reader of Critic’s Corner you know that I accepted a major shipment a couple weeks back. I was also told I can have part of it for one of those give aways.
I’ve drawn the names of some winners in the past for various items, but never held one of my own. When I asked if I could run it now I was told to hold off. The “item” is so distinct that it will tip off the huge plans we have in the works. We are about a month away from being actually ready to announce the details so a drawing now would be a little premature.
But next weekend is when I have to mail them all out. If I do that, then hold my drawing I’ll have to do it all over again just for the one package. I thought if we did it now instead, the winner would get the same thing as the honchos in the biz, but they would also get a behind the scenes look at what’s coming. That in itself is kind of a prize. PLUS I would not have to make that extra trip to the Post Office. Win – Win.
I was shot down because they were afraid that the winner would blab. I told them the group of guys, and hopefully gals, who read my column are a bunch of stand up people. They wouldn’t stoop so low. After a little convincing I made my case. So it’s a go and I want to hurry up while the getting is good.
How To Enter
So this is what we’re going to do. I’m in charge of the Letters to the Editor column that you will see in the new “newsletter” ( I love how they call it that, it’s nothing like a newsletter. Way cooler and more funny. but I have to pretend or they’ll get mad). Anyone that sends me a letter, and not a crank letter telling me I’m a jerk like most letters do, to email@example.com (put “letter to the editor” for the subject) and I’ll enter you in the drawing. You don’t even have to really ask me a question or make a comment if you don’t want to, just send me a letter.
I’ll have to draw the name and send it out before you read next weeks column because the column doesn’t come out until after I have to ship out the boxes. So the deadline to enter will be Thursday night next week. I usually have my column done by Wednesday, but we can slip in the winner because it doesn’t get published until Friday.
This is actually a cool prize, but I can’t tell you what it is. I have one myself. You just have to promise me you won’t go taking a picture and putting in on the internet. If you do that I will never be allowed to have another give away ever again. Please don’t make me regret this.
Only For My Friends
The best thing is your odds are pretty good, because everyone that goes on our site doesn’t read my column, so screw those other people. This way anyone that doesn’t read Critic’s Corner is out of the running. We are not going to publicize this anywhere else. Only my loyal readers can be part of this, as it should be.
Well, good luck to everyone who enters and sends me a letter. I can’t wait to draw the name.
I’m so excited to be giving something away on my own that I’m not even going to put a snide comment in at the end.
Bill is the acting Briar Report Chief of Staff,
He takes comments and answers questions at firstname.lastname@example.org
Follow him on Twitter @StogieReport