Bill’s New Year Resolutions

I’ve never been one to make New Year’s Resolutions because I’m not going to follow them anyway, but this year I thought I’d make and exception. Being the Chief of Staff [Acting Chief of Staff] at Briar Report it is only right that I take on more responsibility. 

My first resolution is to point out people’s faults more. Not only that but to not hold back like I usually do. Some people think that I do this already but they don’t know the half of it. Occasionally, actually usually, people don’t like it when you’re trying to help them. They always take it the wrong way. For instance I know a guy who has the worst Dragon breath you ever smelled, he’s a guy at a place where I do business. Man is it bad. He should get a job peeling the paint off houses before they repaint them. It’s awful to say the least. I’d probably be doing him a huge favor telling him. I’m sure he has some kind of medical problem, maybe even rotting teeth. I might even save is life by pointing out that his skunk breath makes me want to puke. I know another young guy who is the laziest piece of garbage I’ve ever seen. All he does is play on his phone. Don’t know what he’s doing with it but I guarantee you it’s nothing productive. I should tell him what a loser he is. His thumbs will probably stop working by the time he’s thirty-five, if he doesn’t get into a car crash before that and kill himself (for playing on the phone while he’s driving). Even if that doesn’t happen there is no way he’s going to have a happy life. He will have to depend on others because the fool won’t be able to take care of himself. The best thing I could ever do for that guy is grab that phone from him and smash it on the ground. He would probably take that the wrong way. 

Another resolution I’m going to make this year is to smoke more and to put more tobacco away. I get offered free cigars and pipe tobacco all the time, may as well take it. It only makes the person who gave it to me feel better about themselves. I’m doing them a favor. I often see cigars left out on the table that I’m sure people want me to have, it is my duty to take them and put them in my humidor at home. Plus the more I smoke the more knowledgeable I become on cigars and pipe tobacco which will make my work at the Stogie Report that much better. Actually now that I think about it, that’s a business expense. I should write it all off on my taxes. I don’t have an accountant but if I did I’m sure he would tell me it’s fine to do that, so I better start keeping track. 

The final one I”m going to make is to stop taking the pennies out of the cup by the cash register you see in most stores. This resolution, unlike the other ones that were designed to help others, is to prevent me from getting mad at people. The thing is there is no reason for there to be any more than four cents in one of those cups. If someone needed five cents then they would get out a nickel. Therefore, anything more than four cents is up for grabs. I often take advantage of this rule especially since it seems most people don’t care enough to take it themselves. 

The problem comes when people get mad for no reason. I try to explain the rule to them but they don’t seem to get it. All they want to do is yell at me. It’s not worth it, I can’t help it if people are dense. What I will do from now on is make sure I don’t have enough money on me, then I will have to dip into that cup and take out twenty or thirty cents. I’ll still get the money but people will think they are doing me a favor. It’s a win-win.

This year may not turn out so bad. As long as I can keep my resolutions; me telling people what’s wrong with them, me smoking more and taking as much free tobacco as I can, and letting people think they are doing me a favor by taking all the change at the cash registers. It might be the first time I will actually be able to keep all my New Year’s Resolutions.

I’d like to take a couple minutes before I go and mention the passing of Richard Overton. Mr. Overton was the oldest living WWII vet. An Army-man who spent the war in the Pacific Theater, including Guam and Iwo Jima. A real hero in my book. 

Richard Overton. WWII vet, Beloved American

The reason he was famous is because he was 112 years old and attributed his longevity to smoking cigars and having some whiskey now and then. Cheered by people who like those things, they held him up as proof that if you have vices, when done in moderation, you’ll be fine. After his passing other people made sure to point out the fact that he smoked, inferring that those vices were the cause of his demise. He was 112!

Mr. Overton lived a long, full life, which is something everyone wants. The truth is he most likely was blessed with great genes and had incredibly good luck especially during the war. Good for him. I’m glad he got to live his life the way he wanted and hope he continues to enjoy his cigars and whisky where ever he is now. RIP Mr. Overton. 


Bill is the acting Briar Report Chief of Staff.

he is also the Managing Editor of

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